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Membrosia & Deathsticks: Star Wars Ep. VII?!?

December 20, 2012

Wes Anderson Star Wars

Star Wars Episode VII has quite a few fan boys and girls clamoring for information. Who will write? Who will direct? Will it pick up right from the end of Return of the Jedi?

I have none of these answers. What I do have are a few “What if?” scenarios considering how my favorite (and no-so-favorite) directors might tackle a film in the Star Wars Universe. So I wonder, what it would be like if Jim Jarmusch directed the next Star Wars Installment?

“Membrosia and Deathsticks” – Star Wars Episode VII by Jim Jarmusch

Jarmusch’s take on the Star Wars universe would be a veritable tour of the many galaxies touched by the Empire, the Rebellion and their seemingly never-ending war. The film would consist of four 1/2 hour scenes, each scene would feature the same conversations between two iconic SW characters as they meet and converse over membrosia, a Star Wars universe alcoholic beverage, and deathsticks, the Star Wars annoyingly obvious cigarette substitute. These conversations would focus on what each of the two characters think about the interim leadership of Luke Skywalker now that Emperor Palpatine is dead. The first scene would feature a bruised and battered Boba Fett, revealed to have blasted his way from the Sarlacc Pit’s digestive track talking with a Jawa, who is trying to sell a carbonite storage system on Tatooine. The second scene would feature Luke and Leia on Coruscant in the Jedi Temple arguing over who’s going to lead the Jedi. The third would be Ghost Yoda and Ghost Ben in the afterlife on Daghoba, and the last scene would feature Chewbacca and Wicket, both speaking their native languages, with no subtitles, over a game of holo-chess. All CG characters would be portrayed by Roberto Benigni. The script would be 15 pages, but the film would be exactly 120 minutes long. The credits would read “Jim Jarmusch thanks you for taking the time to watch his space movie.”

Wes Anderson“Batch ST987 Star Wars Episode 7” would be about a batch of Storm Trooper clones that matured with a twist to their genetic soup. In the virtual education phase of their development before being assigned to the various tasks they would perform on the Death Star 3.0, they were exposed one wrong holodisc. What should have been alien languages R through U, was actually a collection of the galaxy’s best stand up performers. As a result, the empire experiences something which they never have before, laughter. The film will feature all of Anderson’s trademark camera moves; The Goddard swish pan, the Truffaut thoughtful pause, and the Fellini tracking shots. The proudest moment Anderson will experience will be during the long take featuring a built-to-scale cross-section of the Death Star 3.0 as he tracks a Storm trooper from level to level attempting to make it to the one comedy club on board before they close the list for performers that night. This scene will feature a classic Brigitte Bardot song ‘L’appareil à sous’ listen to it here à

Paul Thomas Anderson will begin production on Star Wars Episode VII – working title “The Universe,” but will never complete it. It will devour the rest of his life as he is never satisfied with it. Feeling incomplete, he will continuously add more and more and more characters. Only one screening will ever occur after Paul Thomas Anderson’s mysterious death, and it will be for George Lucas, who will utter this phrase after seeing Star Wars – The Universe. “Jar Jar, I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”

Michael Bay’s episode VII “The Force” is about a race of robots from another space quadrant who are able to transform into x-wing fighters, star destroyers, land rovers, etc. This new race consists of both good and evil robots which have been locked in battle since their home planet Robotron was destroyed. The humanoid protagonists will be played by Shia Labeouf and some random model from the latest Victoria’s Secret fashion show. The Force will feature many swish panning cameras, explosions, and characters longingly staring at each other while the camera pans and things explode. It will gross all the money on the planet, but have no story whatsoever.

Wacky Wookie Weed....

Wacky Wookie Weed….

David Gordon Green‘s take, Falcon Express, would be about a process-server working for the new republic played by Danny McBride and Wicket, his Ewok marijuana dealer, who winds up on the run from Chewbacca after stealing the Millennium Falcon, after they witness a corrupt Storm trooper murder an even more corrupt Jedi while trying to serve papers to him. It’s a Sci-Fi Drama.

Hope you enjoyed my what ifs. Please feel free to share your own in the comments below.

(Some of these concepts were contributed by an awesome writer I know, Apryl Lee, my wife.)

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